This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in quite some time.

So, I was wondering to myself, given the low journalistic integrity and lowest common denominator appeal of IGN, how could it possibly get any worse?.

Oh.

Kev!
Bev!
Bev!
Kev!
I notice you got sick of your old wife and replaced her with an almost-but-not-quite-the-same-looking one as well, Kev. Don’t you think that’s a little bit creepy?
Yes, Kev, it probably is, but I wasn’t going to comment on it in case it distracted people from the car insurance that we’re trying to sell. Oh, and by the way, that last car you sold me? Engine was full of sawdust, you bastard. Broke down a hundred yards down the road.

The Rebirth Museum has opened and the lovely people at Propellorheads are giving away Rebirth RB-338 for free. Okay, it’s a bit creaky and old looking compared to Reason or Orion but it’s a lot of fun to play with, especially if you want to create mid-90s bleepy dance.

Twat type: Achingly “Lifestyle” Vacuous Rich Kid In A Fancy Car

Identifying features: A mid-twenties idiot who is either living off mummy and daddy’s money, or has maxed out his credit cards to fund his expensive shirt and stupid car habit. Will be wearing a pale pink shirt and ripped jeans (that he bought already pre-ripped, because that’s fashionable, you see). Will have a hairstyle that cost more than his entire outfit, and will be wearing absurd overlarge aviator-style sunglasses. Will also be driving a black convertible new Mini Cooper with tinted windows.

Reason for twattishness: Besides the obvious? A total disregard for the entire world around him, manifesting itself particularly in his belief that a give way sign doesn’t apply if there’s a cyclist crossing the road in front of him, and that he can therefore just carry straight on out of the junction. Also, will retain an air of total indifference and ignorance when you beat on his window and call him a dick for nearly killing you.

Suggested punishment: Crippling debt and poverty, after being run over by his own tinted-windowed twatmobile.

Just been riding pillion with my flatmate. Can’t believe it’s taken me this long. I WANT ONE.

In St. Bernard and Plaquemines parishes, just south of New Orleans, victims of the hurricane are still waiting for food and water and for buses to escape the floodwaters, Melancon said. And for the entire time Bush was in the state, the congressman said, a ban on helicopter flights further stalled the delivery of food and supplies.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/09/02/AR2005090202065.html

The British are renowned for their politeness and their unwillingness to disturb the status quo. This applies even more to British Christians: a whole language has been built up around it so that people don’t have to tell each other they’re wrong. The phrase “bring correction with love” might be employed in extreme circumstances, but generally there’s this sort of desire – so long as someone is generally headed in a sort of Evangelical direction – to not contradict or argue with someone.

This is all somewhat ironic, because speakers in Evangelical churches will continually bang on about how the Gospel is “confrontation”, “dangerous” and “at odds with everything the world stands for”, and the congregation will nod and shout “Amen”; once in a while, you get a properly shouty preacher who makes “dangerous” statements and the congregation get to sit their and feel edgy and sort of rebellious. But even if the speaker says something theologically questionable or controversial, almost no-one will comment on it afterwards, and they’ll say things like “Ooh, that speaker was really anointed” or “God really spoke to me today” and try to avoid that awkward situation that arises when someone says “Well, I didn’t really agree with him” and everyone falls silent and stares at their shoes a bit until someone else says “Isn’t God great?!” and everyone relaxes again.

Anyway. There was a point to all this. The point is this: the upshot of all this is that Christians don’t take direction well. If someone gives a group of Christians a direct instruction – say, “Please can you leave the building, we need to de-rig the PA”, or “Please can you not stand just there, you’re really in the way” – there’s this weird little mental filter that kicks in and they just don’t hear you, because it’s just inconceivable that someone could have been direct and even maybe a little confrontational, and so it’s better to pretend it just didn’t happen.

This applied particularly yesterday when trying to take photos of the couple. There’s this bit at a wedding, after the formal group portraits and before the receiving line (or main reception if there’s no receiving line) where the photographer gets to spend about an hour or so with the couple taking romantic, intimate and silly pictures of them whilst they’re still imbued with that rosy glow of the newlywed. The idea is that no-one else is around for that, so the couple can act natural and aren’t continually distracted by hangers on and other guests asking them to pose for photos whilst the photographer is trying to do his work. Anyway, problem yesterday was that the photos were being taken outside the reception venue – which was not ideal, because guests kept arriving whilst I was taking the photos; but what made it worse is that every time I asked people to go inside and to not disturb us, they basically didn’t hear me.

“Oh, I just wanted to take a quick picture, it won’t take a minute”.
“Er, please, no. I’m trying to take photos here, and you’re holding things up, and it’s much better if the couple aren’t continually distracted”.
“Okay, I’ll take this photo and then go”.
“I don’t think you quite understood me. Please go inside and stop bothering us.”
*click* *flash*

Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggg. And to think, if I’d beaten them to death with the soggy end of their own leg, I’d be the one to go to prison. There’s just no justice in the world.

I’m back from holiday, but spent today doing more wedding photographs for JV and Sally, and only just got home so don’t really have time to update. I’ve got a post brewing about Christians’ inability to process direct instructions that should make it online tomorrow.

I’m off to the lakes to sit in a cottage and stare out of the window at the rain for a week. I will have no connectivity of any kind for a week. I’m a little scared. I’ll see you all in a week, assuming I don’t get eaten by savages or anything.