The pizza was not ready, but they knew my name.

I never told them my name.

I am experiencing fear.

Now, I like old games as much as anyone – hell, MAME is my most run application on my laptop, and I still rate Chuckie Egg as the best game ever – but damn if this isn’t the most retarded idea since, well, Sony last had an idea.

“Emulators are great, but you just can’t beat the feel of a real machine.”

Yeah, I really miss having to sit and wait half an hour for a game to load from tape, only to have it screw up 2 blocks from the end and have to do it all over again. That was so much better than just being able to pick the game from a collection on my hard disc, double click and play.

“Hello, Domino’s, how can I help you?”
“I’d like to order a pizza for collection, please”
“Certainly sir. Can I take your phone number and address please?”
“Er, okay. It’s […], but I said I’d be coming to collect”
“Okay sir, what would you like?”
“A large full house and garlic bread please.”
“Okay, that will be £11.99 and will be with you in twenty minutes”
“Um. I said I was coming to collect it. Twice, in fact.”
“Oh, sorry. That’s £8.99 and it will be ready in fifteen minutes. Thank you sir. “

I fully expect there to be no pizza there when I arrive. Especially as he didn’t ask my name.

At Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, you see people standing up and saying:

“Hello, my name is Dave, and I am an alcoholic.”

That doesn’t strike me as especially anonymous. If they wanted to do it properly, they should make everyone adopt pseudonyms, and conduct the meetings in complete darkness. Possibly using one of those Stephen Hawkings robot voice things to talk to each other. Make it into a sort of secret society or something. Maybe they could form a superhero league – a bunch of jittery, gin-soaked, red-eyed guys wearing tights and pants, saving the world. Yeah. That’d rule. They could be called The AA Team or something.

I bet someone else has already thought of this.

It’s twenty to four in the afternoon. Why do I feel like I have a hangover?

Look, it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my idea. It was all down to the worship leader. He made us do it. We told him it was a bad idea, but he went ahead and did it anyway. We know it was painful. We know it was embarassing. It was just as bad – nay, worse – for as as it was for you. We feel your pain, really and truly we do. I just hope you can accept my apologies on behalf of the rest of the worship team and a promise that, so long as I have anything to do with it, you’l never have to sing Shine Jesus Shine ever again.

In other news, it turns out that if you rip off the guitar part from “With or Without You” by U2, play it on the bass instead and use it as the intro for “Blessed be your name”, no-one spots that you’re being cheeky and having a sly dig at the unoriginality of modern worship songs, and instead people come up afterwards and tell you that it sounded really good. Well, yes, it ought to. U2 wrote it, and they’re quite popular.

I bought a bike yesterday. Go me. My plan is to cycle to and from work (about 6 miles each way) from now on. We’ll see how that one goes tomorrow, I guess, but I managed an hour and a half of cycling around Chorlton meadows and Sale Water Park this afternoon without major incident, so I guess it shouldn’t be that bad.

I notice, though, in the ten years since I last bought a bicycle, they haven’t made the saddles any more comfortable. Ouch, my poor bum.

Ahahahaahaahaahaaaaa (more)

“It’s not torture if the Syrians do it for us”.