Don’t Panic

Apparently, we’re not panicking enough, so the government has decided to tell us exactly how much danger we’re in, so now we can all feel better informed about the incredibly immense danger we face every single day from EVIL terrorists.

The threat levels (along with handy translations) are as follows:

Level Meaning
Low We are living in peace and harmony with the whole world, flowers are blooming, the sky is blue and everybody loves everybody. There is no reason whatsoever to panic. This level doesn’t actually exist.
Moderate There’s probably nothing to worry about – but, y’know, best stay a little bit on edge? That guy over there? See him? Keep your eye on him. You never know.
Substantial Now, we don’t want to panic you or anything but – well, I’d keep out of the way of people in turbans, if I were you. And don’t go near tall buildings. Best stay at home, read the Mail and twitch your curtains occasionally.
Severe Serious, high-level panicking now required. All free-thought should be suspended and civil liberties should be surrendered without question to the Government. All people suspected of being vaguely a bit foreign should go back to where they came from. For further information, please consult a copy of The Sun newspaper, where Government policy will be announced first.
Critical Full-on police-state rule is now in force. Democracy suspended. Citizens are expected to go around in a permanent state of fear and uncertainty. Failure to comply will result in immediate and indefinate imprisonment, without trial. Foreigners will be shot on sight.

Hope that’s cleared things up a bit.

4 Responses to “Don’t Panic”

  1. Lyle says:

    Makes you wonder just how far we are from ‘V for Vendetta’ again, doesn’t it?

    And is it me, or is there actually very little difference now between current Labour, and 80s Tories ?

  2. Paul says:

    Other than the name, there is very little difference between New Labour and the 80’s Tories. This is what happens when a party gets elected for a third term – personally I think we should follow the US style and not allow more than two consecutive terms in office as people can’t be trusted to run the country properly for that long.

  3. Assad says:

    I’ve come to the conclusion that the world is run by a bunch of gangsters. Behind the suits and spin are men who cheerfully sanction the murder women and children to achieve their goals. This was always true in some parts of the world. Now it appears to be true everywhere.

  4. Thérèse says:

    Hee hee hee hee hee.

    Yes. Fantastic. I’ve now added ‘panic’ to my list of things to do today.