To everyone at church on Sunday morning

Look, it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my idea. It was all down to the worship leader. He made us do it. We told him it was a bad idea, but he went ahead and did it anyway. We know it was painful. We know it was embarassing. It was just as bad – nay, worse – for as as it was for you. We feel your pain, really and truly we do. I just hope you can accept my apologies on behalf of the rest of the worship team and a promise that, so long as I have anything to do with it, you’l never have to sing Shine Jesus Shine ever again.

In other news, it turns out that if you rip off the guitar part from “With or Without You” by U2, play it on the bass instead and use it as the intro for “Blessed be your name”, no-one spots that you’re being cheeky and having a sly dig at the unoriginality of modern worship songs, and instead people come up afterwards and tell you that it sounded really good. Well, yes, it ought to. U2 wrote it, and they’re quite popular.

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