Why I don’t go clubbing

Last night served as a timely reminder as to why I don’t go clubbing. After waiting for over an hour outside The Music Box with Naomi and friends to go and see Mr Scruff, desperate for the toilet and freezing my nuts off, we finally paid our £8 a head and got inside.

On the plus side, the music was good. Mr Scruff knows his stuff, playing a quirky mix of jazz, hip hop, latin, funk, soul and other breakbeat weirdness. On the downside, however, every single person in the entire venue was a total, unmitigated wanker. I have before never been elbowed in the back, shoved out of the way, scowled at, and generally regarded like something someone had accidentally trodden in so much by so many people in such a short space of time. An attitude of “I’m clearly so much cooler than you” pervaded the whole place; no-one seemed to be there to actually have a good time – they were all there so they could be cool and impress their mates the next day because they’d been to Mr Scruff.

It reminded me quite a lot of being on a rush-hour train in Tokyo. Everyone there is only there for their own benefit – other people can, at best, be ignored and at worst, elbowed and shoved out of the way and treated like objects. On a crowded rush-hour train, this behaviour – whilst unpleasant – is at least vaguely tolerable, because no-one really wants to be there, and it’s just a means to an end. In a social situation, though, where people are allegedly there to have a good time, it’s just downright rude and idiotic.

I have, however, had an idea. I am going to prepare several sheets of stickers to take with me next time I find myself in a nightclub. They will have things like “I AM SOCIALLY RETARDED”, “I HAVE NO REGARD FOR ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING” and “I’M A COMPLETE TOSSER” written on them, and every time someone pushes me out of the way, elbows me in the back or otherwise acts like a socially underdeveloped neandertal, I can slap one on the back of their shirt. It might not actually achieve anything, but it’ll at least make me feel better.

4 Responses to “Why I don’t go clubbing”

  1. Lori says:

    Same happened to me at the Academy when we went to see Starsailor. The stickers sound like a good plan.

  2. CheesyRobMan says:

    Same idea but different implementation: I want a batch of ‘Look! I’ve parked in a really stupid place!’ stickers that I can slap across the windscreen of any cars I see parked in, well, really stupid places. It’s a good idea. 🙂

  3. Mosh says:

    I like the stickers they shove on cars that you have to scrape off with a knife. It takes *ages* to get the smears of glue and paper off. They should be mandatory and legally allowed to any member of the public who spots a non-disabled-badge-showing car parked in a disabled space.

    As for ignorant people, I usually just shove them back. I guess I’m a bit too confrontational. I’m also normally in the middle of a pit at gigs so I tend to expect to get hit!

  4. Chris says:

    I don’t mind being shoved around in a mosh pit; that’s what it’s there for. However that’s not what I expect in a club (and, bizarrely, is at least part of the reason that, on the odd occasion I do go clubbing, I go to rock clubs – the atmosphere is that much friendlier 🙂