Archive for August, 2006

To the utter, total cockmonger who tried to kill me on the way home tonight

Monday, August 14th, 2006

I hope you die in a car crash, you self-absorbed moronic waste of a human being. Fuck you.


Monday, August 14th, 2006

Microsoft Invites the World to Create Its Own Xbox 360 Console Games for the First Time

Well, finall there’s a reason for me to want an XBox 360. (actually, I’ve been thinking about getting one for use as a Media Center Extender for a while now, and this might tip me over the edge – now, where can I get £300 from?)

Dear Terrorists

Thursday, August 10th, 2006


I understand we stopped you blowing up some planes today. At least, that’s what the police and my government tell me. The trouble is, it’s hard to know when my government are telling me the truth, and when they’re not – and they don’t exactly have a sterling reputation for honesty, now, do they? But I think you could help out a little here.

You know how in films where there’s a good guy and a bad guy, and the good guy foils the bad guy’s plans to take over the world? Well, in those films, there’s always a shot of the bad guy at the end shaking his fist and saying something like “I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you pesky kids/Austin Powers/the fact they stopped everyone taking books and bottles of water onto planes today”. I think it would be really, really helpful for us all if you could maybe do something like that. You could even add a little message of defiance on the end – “You may have stopped us with your clever tactics of not letting people having iPods on aeroplanes, but we’ll be back and we’ll get you next time!” – but just, y’know, let us know that something has happened, so we know that all these apparently ludicrous security measures that we’re taking are actually needed and aren’t just another step down the road of our government eroding every last one of our civil liberties and instilling a permanent atmosphere of low-grade panic and terror in order to control and manipulate the populous.



(P.S. Can you remember whether it’s Eurasia or Oceania we’ve always been at war with this week? They seem so similar, I can never remember which one it is we’ve always been at war with)


Wednesday, August 9th, 2006

Giant Enemy Crabs Invade Norway.

Nature is horrible

Wednesday, August 9th, 2006

Crab parasitism.

Centipede vs Mouse.

Centipede vs Tarantula.

Fluffy caterpillar.

Pleasant dreams.

Obligatory “I’m not dead” post

Wednesday, August 9th, 2006

Had other things on my mind. What passes for normal service may soon be resumed.


Saturday, August 5th, 2006

No, really. This isn’t funny. At all. Not even slightly. Stop laughing. All of you.

Don’t Panic

Tuesday, August 1st, 2006

Apparently, we’re not panicking enough, so the government has decided to tell us exactly how much danger we’re in, so now we can all feel better informed about the incredibly immense danger we face every single day from EVIL terrorists.

The threat levels (along with handy translations) are as follows:

Level Meaning
Low We are living in peace and harmony with the whole world, flowers are blooming, the sky is blue and everybody loves everybody. There is no reason whatsoever to panic. This level doesn’t actually exist.
Moderate There’s probably nothing to worry about – but, y’know, best stay a little bit on edge? That guy over there? See him? Keep your eye on him. You never know.
Substantial Now, we don’t want to panic you or anything but – well, I’d keep out of the way of people in turbans, if I were you. And don’t go near tall buildings. Best stay at home, read the Mail and twitch your curtains occasionally.
Severe Serious, high-level panicking now required. All free-thought should be suspended and civil liberties should be surrendered without question to the Government. All people suspected of being vaguely a bit foreign should go back to where they came from. For further information, please consult a copy of The Sun newspaper, where Government policy will be announced first.
Critical Full-on police-state rule is now in force. Democracy suspended. Citizens are expected to go around in a permanent state of fear and uncertainty. Failure to comply will result in immediate and indefinate imprisonment, without trial. Foreigners will be shot on sight.

Hope that’s cleared things up a bit.