Melt Banana. They have an album called “13 Hedgehogs”. It has 56 tracks, each of which is a minute or so long, and is basically hardcore industrial post-punk Japanese noise. They’re on iTunes, and I’m half tempted to get the album for sheer “OMGWTFBBQ?!” value.

There’s too much music in the world. Some of it is really, really good, and I’m not listening to it. So I’ve started to put together a list of bands that most people haven’t heard of that I should probably be listening to. It’s here. There’s not much on it, though, so it needs padding out. So, if there’s a band that you’ve heard of that nobody else has that you think I ought to be listening to, tell me and I’ll add it to the list.

So, there was a free 14-day trial of World of Warcraft on PC Gamer. I thought “Hey, what harm can it do? The full game normally costs £35 and £8.99 a month, and it probably won’t even work on my laptop anyway, and I don’t really like RPGs, so I can just uninstall it after the trial is up, and I’ll be able to say ‘Yeah, I tried that and didn’t like it’ and everything’ll be fine…”

Yeah, right. If anyone wants me, I’m enparm, a dark elf druid on Bloodhoof.

You’ve probably seen the story – some kid finds porn on his phone, his parents go ape, Tesco apologise because it had been in for repairs there and must have got on there because they “used a circuit board from another phone.”

Call me cynical and suspicious, but I’m betting the sequence of events actually went like this: Boy trashes phone, sends it to Tesco for repairs. Boy gets phone back, downloads hardcore porn onto it. Boy’s parents find porn, go apeshit. Boy panics and, casting round for an excuse, says “It wasn’t there before I sent it to Tesco! It must be their fault!”. Parents blame Tesco. Everybody happy.

I mean, c’mon, you’d have done the same, right?

This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in quite some time.

So, I was wondering to myself, given the low journalistic integrity and lowest common denominator appeal of IGN, how could it possibly get any worse?.

Oh.

Kev!
Bev!
Bev!
Kev!
I notice you got sick of your old wife and replaced her with an almost-but-not-quite-the-same-looking one as well, Kev. Don’t you think that’s a little bit creepy?
Yes, Kev, it probably is, but I wasn’t going to comment on it in case it distracted people from the car insurance that we’re trying to sell. Oh, and by the way, that last car you sold me? Engine was full of sawdust, you bastard. Broke down a hundred yards down the road.

The Rebirth Museum has opened and the lovely people at Propellorheads are giving away Rebirth RB-338 for free. Okay, it’s a bit creaky and old looking compared to Reason or Orion but it’s a lot of fun to play with, especially if you want to create mid-90s bleepy dance.

Twat type: Achingly “Lifestyle” Vacuous Rich Kid In A Fancy Car

Identifying features: A mid-twenties idiot who is either living off mummy and daddy’s money, or has maxed out his credit cards to fund his expensive shirt and stupid car habit. Will be wearing a pale pink shirt and ripped jeans (that he bought already pre-ripped, because that’s fashionable, you see). Will have a hairstyle that cost more than his entire outfit, and will be wearing absurd overlarge aviator-style sunglasses. Will also be driving a black convertible new Mini Cooper with tinted windows.

Reason for twattishness: Besides the obvious? A total disregard for the entire world around him, manifesting itself particularly in his belief that a give way sign doesn’t apply if there’s a cyclist crossing the road in front of him, and that he can therefore just carry straight on out of the junction. Also, will retain an air of total indifference and ignorance when you beat on his window and call him a dick for nearly killing you.

Suggested punishment: Crippling debt and poverty, after being run over by his own tinted-windowed twatmobile.

Just been riding pillion with my flatmate. Can’t believe it’s taken me this long. I WANT ONE.